Almost forgot what day it was...

until it hit me, today would have been 15 months. It's interesting because last month, which was 14 months, went by and I didn't notice for the first time. I guess I should have taken that as a warning sign. My friend said something pretty profound today. He said that I wouldn't have reacted to the birthday gifts the way in which I did if I wasn't feeling resentment for what I wasn't getting out of the relationship. Why is it so hard to admit that I had doubts while in the middle of it? Why is it so hard to admit that it's over? Between my job, my mom's illness and this, I'm not holding up well.

Not having a good day

Maybe it's the combination of a winter storm keeping me cooped up inside, attending my first holiday party alone, getting some more bad news about my mom's condition and just feeling overwhelmingly alone. I miss him so much. I feel like I'm faking it when I say that I'm moving on slowly, taking it one day at a time, keeping busy, bettering myself for that next great thing. I'm not. The real me, buried under deep layers of what I think other people expect me to be, is feeling that I've lost the love of my life and nothing will ever be the same again. I had an unbelievably strong urge to call him today, and although I know he wouldn't mind, especially in light of the situation with my mom, it's not a good idea. I'm going to go to my EAP counselor session and see what they have to say before I do anything like that. Today I am very sad. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Healing Prayer

A friend of mine is currently on her 4 over 5 and recently spent time in Iona, Scotland. She posted a Celtic prayer on her blog that I've slightly modified (changed O God to O spirit), as I'm not overly religious. It's very comforting to me at this time.

Circle me, O spirit.
Keep hope within,
Despair without.

Circle me, O spirit.
Keep peace within,
Keep turmoil out.

Circle me, O spirit.
Keep strength within,
Keep weakness out.

I have to believe that there is a plan for me, and that I have the strength to wait patiently for it to unfold.

Choir Concert

Today's performance of Bach's Oratorio went very well. It's not the most heavily scored for choir, so there was a lot of sitting around, but the orchestra is great, so there was lots of entertainment. My flute teacher was principal flute on this gig, so it was a treat to listen to her play. There's a beautiful alto/flute 8va duet and it was lovely. It was very hard to look out into the audience and know that he wasn't there, especially with the trumpets soaring in the background. In that moment I missed him so much it was excruciating. I just wish things would hurry up and play out the way they are supposed to so I can get on with my life.

1st set back

I've got to get used to the idea that there will be good days and bad days. While watching a lighthearted romantic comedy, I started to cry (as I often do at these kinds of movies) and it turned into a full fledged bawl. I cried for a lot of things, love, loneliness, mistakes, good times, the past, the future, broken hearts and grief. I feel so drained and overwhelmed by these powerful feelings, it's like drowning. The dress rehearsal for the choir concert was so hard today. We are performing Bach's xmas oratorio, and it features three trumpets. I was so looking forward to looking out and seeing him in the audience, knowing that he was hearing spectacular trumpet music. And then, ironically enough, Paul (the musician who played the last post at my school's remembrance day assembly and went to Western as well) is playing third trumpet in the concert. I went up to say hi, and mentioned that we had a mutual aquaintance, and he told me a funny story. The feelings evoked by that little story were unbearable. It was exactly him, to the T. Afterwards, when I was some distance away, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I know everything is supposed to happen for a reason, but right now, I can't for the life of me think what that reason could be.

1 week down

Well I made it through the 1st week. I'm pretty proud of myself, because if you had asked me earlier in the week I wouldn't have been so sure. It's been tough, I've had good moments and not so good moments but that's to be expected. I have to take my second injection of Humira tonight and I'm a little worried to be doing it all on my own, but I have to get used to the fact that I am alone now. It's a pretty painful injection but it supposedly yields great results. I'll know for sure in another couple of months. I suffered my first attack of really engulfing loneliness tonight, brought on my thinking about my injection and about being alone on Xmas eve. I keep waiting for it to pass, but I think I may be riding this one out for a little longer. Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow in a better state of mind.

I'm exhausted!

Haven't blogged in a couple of days because I've been so tired. Mental, physical, emotional and intellectual exhaustion, like I've never felt before. It's very true that you can wear yourself out, last night I slept like a rock, waking just before my alarm. I'm not looking forward to my final root canal installment tomorrow, but it'll be a welcome distraction. I'm learning a little more about myself everyday, learning to accept my role in everything that has happened but to also not blame myself entirely. It definitely takes two. Hopefully Grey's Anatomy will be a tear jerker for even more release.

Day 5

Oooooh, I'm mad. Mad, mad mad. Mad at the fact that I can't stop crying when I tell new people, mad that I still think getting back together is a good idea, mad that I can't shake the feelings of uncertainty about my future. I know I'm being too hard on myself, that this is a process that I must go though in order to come out the other side a better person, ready to love again. But I need details! How long, how much, who, what, where, when and how? The finality of it all rocks me to my very core. It's only Day 5 and I'm sick of this! Yet another thing I'm mad about. At the very least I'm in good company. Two of my friends are going through very recent break ups. Work is a nightmare, it's definitely the last place I want to be right now. I'm trying to keep the thinking and rehashing down to a minimum, only in my nightly blog. I'm hopeful that after a week of blogging everyday, I'll be able to do it bi-weekly or weekly. I do feel I've made a bit of progress, but get very frustrated when I slip back. I am absolutely exhausted though, so to that end, am off to bed.

Day 4

Today I woke up angry, I mean really angry. Punching the pillows angry. Thinking about the upcoming holiday season is what did it. All the parties and family gatherings, the pitying looks as people try to come up with something to say to me. "You're a great girl, there's something better around the corner", "It just wasn't meant to be", "time heals all wounds" or my personal favorite (heavy on the sarcasm here) "it's his loss". Then I went to school, which is already not my favorite place to be, and cried three times before the morning bell. Got through the morning and spent the next six hours feeling glib. Don't know where that emotion came from, perhaps I was just sick and tired of feeling sad, mad and hurt. Talked with a couple of friends after choir tonight and bantered some interesting thoughts around such as compartmentalisation and red flags that were missed. We also had a few unrelated laughs. I have good friends, for which I am so grateful. All this emotional upheaval is exhausting, so I'm off to bed.

Day 3

Here's a wise tip. Never go see a fairytale movie when your life is currently anything but a happy ending. It's not very helpful. Also, don't spend time with people who are in the flush of new love, it's hard to hold up. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for my sister, and think her new boyfriend is great. Unfortunately, that doesn't make things any easier. I've held back the tears 4 times today, and had 3 full on uncontrollable cries. Every time one of my friends offers help, I am so overwhelmed by their kind concern that it makes me lose it all over again. I am so grateful for their support. I told my mother today, which was very hard. She has been through a tough time herself, and is still struggling. I felt very guilty laying my problems on her, when she is fighting to stay on top of a life threatening illness. She knew right away that something was wrong, a mothers instinct. I waver between emotions faster than you can say the word, sadness, relief, loneliness, disbelief, anger, frustration and emptiness. There's physical pain too, my heart hurts and my stomach heaves. I've read dozens of online articles about the stages of grief and am trying to follow the advice, but it's very hard. I don't know which thoughts are rational and real and which are delusional and unrealistic. I can only hope for the best and try to take it day by day.

Day 2

I woke up this morning and was hit with an overwhelming feeling of disbelief. I thought for a minute that I was dreaming, but it is so very real. I hurt so much! I really didn't think it was possible to feel this much pain. I distract myself but it's only temporary, the pain comes flooding back at the most inopportune times. I'm prone to tears with very little provocation. My condo is a minefield of memories. I know I'm not the first person to go through this, and certainly won't be the last, but it feels so fresh and raw. I'm sure similar words have appeared on similar blogs, diaries, books, tv shows and movies. It's a universal truth told by the brokenhearted. Time is the master of healing, writing and crying are outlets. I hope to use my blog to heal, and to serve as a reminder of this process. I miss him so much, it feels like the path of least pain is get back together. Of course it would only make sense if it were mutual, and to that end I have no way of knowing how he is feeling. I also don't know if it would even be the right solution. I only know that I love him and he loves me, yet we are apart. This is the biggest test of letting go I have ever faced. It is the first step in managing my need for control over every little detail and most importantly, laying aside my insecurities. I don't know how to do this, how to cut myself off from my best friend, my lover, my confidante, my support, my partner. It's like cutting off my own limb. It feels like every word I write is like a cliche, something I have read or heard before. I can only hope my story has something new to say soon.

November 2007 Books and Movies

Beowulf

Very cool! The screenplay was by Neil Gaiman, so there was just enough weird and wonderful to hold my attention. The digitisation of the action was really interesting, and made everyone look flawless. The aging was especially well done. The creatures were fantastic and the special effects seamless, due to the animation. Glad I went!

Dedication
Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus

I love a good chick lit novel and had enjoyed the Nanny Diaries and Citizen Girl so was psyched when given an advance copy of this one. I found Katie a touch frustrating, with her indecisiveness and general whinging, but was happy with the ending. The 80s and 90s references were spot on, although, if Katie was 30 in 2005, she would have attended high school from 1989 to 1994, so calling this an 80s novel is a bit misleading. It was great to read about the early 90s, it's a rare topic! A nice breezy read, good for when you need a light distraction.

Bee Movie

Very cute and funny. Some of the jokes aimed at adults were hysterical. The kid jokes were heavy on the bee puns, but funny all the same. I found the people characters were a little under drawn both in form and dialogue. It was as if the creators had put so much effort into the bee world, they ran out of time for the people. I'm still surprised this is the first time Jerry Seinfeld has done something since the TV show. It's a great comeback, go see it!

My heart is breaking...

November 30th from 1-2pm is going to stay with me forever. 1 year, 2 months and 13 days. Seems like so little time, but it really was a lot. For me anyway. I know I can get better. I know I can be the woman that I'm meant to be and not be bogged down by the parts of me that are inexcusable. I can only hope that our paths will cross again someday and that I can show him. Friends or more, it will turn out the way it is meant to, I hope. It hurts so much I can't even think.

My Birthday!

Had a great bday weekend with a party, some Mike time and dinner and cake (homemade!) at Amy's today. This year was a bit strange because it actually snowed yesterday. That hasn't happened since I was a little girl! Another year older, but it doesn't feel like it. I had an easy day at school, and left as soon as I could to enjoy the rest of the day. Now winter can officially start!

October 2007 Books and Movies

Practical Demonkeeping
Christopher Moore

What a great book! I mistakenly thought that, as this was Christopher Moore's first novel, that it wouldn't be as good as the others (only have one more to go) I have read. I finished the last page and said to myself "What a great writer. I can't believe he just sat down and wrote that book, having never being been a published author before". Having read his latest novel about Pine Cove (The Stupidest Angel) first and then The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove, I now understand so much more about the inner quirky workings of this setting. Loved the twist and turns, great characters (he should return to Augustus Brine and Gian Djinn for another tale) and fast pace. A definite must read for Moore fans and newbies alike.

Death at a Funeral

Absolutely hilarious! Great British humour, wonderfully acted, bizarro plot twists and a great way to spend a couple of hours! Appreciate the subtleties, they are worth watching again and again. I was really impressed with Alan Tudyk, he has a killer British accent and is hilarious as Simon. Go see it!

Island of the Sequined Love Nun
Christopher Moore

Started off slowly, but got better and better. I read The Stupidest Angel first, so it was interesting to see where the character Tucker Case got his beginnings. Another funny and twisted novel from Christopher Moore. He has the zanniest ideas, it's a wonder where he comes up with them. I seriously thought he was making up Yap, Truk and Micronesia, but they really do exist! Aluahu doesn't though. Beth was scary. Sarapul was hilarious. Roberto, need I say more? Read it and laugh!

Unlikely Destinations - The Lonely Planet Story
Tony and Maureen Wheeler

Let me start off by saying that I'm a huge fan of Lonely Planet guide books. They have helped me have wonderful travel experiences and have gotten me out of more than a few jams. That being said, this autobiography is very poorly written. It's voice (mostly Tony's) is poncy and it's tone is completely disjointed. I found the information interesting, but it is laid out in a really terrible way. I'll still use the guidebooks, but I'll be wary of any more novels from these authors. I think they'll lose some of the respect they have earned from world wide travelers, just because this book is so sub par.

Three Wishes
Liane Moriarty

This was a chance find at the Burlington Central Public Library. I just liked the cover. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I liked the story inside as well. Chick lit, Aussie style, with quirky characters that you actually care about. The contrived coincidences were a bit much at times and Cat's temper made my head hurt but all in all, I enjoyed it very much.

Rush Hour 3

Silly and fun. The acting was a bit forced, but what more than made up for it was the action sequences. Jackie Chan is amazing, as were many of the other fight actors. Chris Tucker is one funny guy, and I'm doubly impressed by his altruistic efforts in Africa between movies. I haven't seen 1 or 2, but now I want to, wooden acting aside.

I love my bike!

I biked 27.6 km today! (Yes I calculated it using google maps, I just had to know.) My route to school is 8.3 km so I bike 16.6 everyday I go to school by bike. This week has been a poor showing, as it threatened to rain everyday, but I did ride today and yesterday. Today I went a few more places than usual. I guess the most grueling part of my ride to school is that it is up Kingston Road every morning. Some days are better than others, that is for sure! Love the ride home, coasting down that big hill. Did I mention I love riding my bike? It's great to be alone with your thoughts, not zoned out in a book or with your iPod. Of course, there are some downsides: cars, pollution, severe head winds, inclement weather, but it's rewarding to get around on your own speed. I'm going to be sad when the snow comes!

Woefully neglecting my Blog

I know it's been a long time. I could blame it on a number of things, work, facebook, social life, band, choir etc. but that would be a screen. I just haven't had the inclination to blog, plain and simple.

So here I go with a brief synopsis:

Work:

I'm at my 5th school in 4 years, so again, it's slow going with finding out where I fit into this new dynamic. I'm teaching at a school in a well to do area, which brings with it a whole other set of challenges than a school with lower socio-economics. My assignment this year is half Core French (grades 4, 5 and 6) and half Vocal Music (grades K to 6). Interestingly, the staff are all female, which is something I've never encountered. I have to say, I prefer a mixed gender staff, and also feel for the boys, who have no male teacher role models.

Health:

I have switched drugs once again, and am in my 2nd month. I feel very well and bike to work most days. My wrists are still a little sore, but overall, I'm doing so well that I even forgot to take my medication once, because I've had few symptoms to remind me. Unfortunately, I haven't achieved full remission, but am hopeful still. My next appointment is November 20th, so we'll see what my doctor has to say.

Relationships:

The advent of Facebook has brought me closer to some people, further away from others and has actually had a tangible impact. I'm amazed that a website could actually change my social life, but it's true. I'm not an addict as some are, but do enjoy the unexpected tidbits from old and new acquaintances.

Mike and I celebrated one year together, on September 17th. I'm frankly in awe of reaching this significant milestone, as I have only done it once before, and that was 13 years ago. Like any relationship, it has it's ups and downs, but is by far the healthiest one I've ever been in, and for those who know me well, that is saying a lot.

Outlook:

Fairly positive. I still have my days, but am focusing on recongnising when my energies are negative and redirecting them. I get to think a lot while on my bike, which has been good for me. When I take the TTC, I tend to zone out, with my iPod, a book or both, and don't actually spend time with my own thoughts. I'm making a concerted effort to work on my self-esteem, which has taken a nose dive due to all of the above categories. I know I cannot do it on my own, and to that end, I'm looking for assistance as well. Reading helps a lot whether it be related or for pleasure.

I'm glad I've updated, reading this over has reminded me that I actually enjoy blogging and really should do it more often!

September 2007 Books and Movies

Stuck in Downward Dog
Chantel Simmons

Well, let's start with the parts I did like. Yoga and the setting. Reading about places, streets and events that were set in Toronto was very cool. I've never read a book set in my Toronto, which this felt like it was. The parts I didn't like were the way Mara let her friends treat her and than she was utterly clueless about all that was going wrong for her. I guess that was the author's attempt at humour, but I'm not a fan of the bumbling idiot routine. A nice, light read, but no Sophie Kinsella novel.

Stardust

This was a fun two hours. I have loved Neil Gaiman ever since a friend introduced me to Neverwhere. Some of it was slightly predictable and I wasn't a fan of a couple of the actor choices, but the special effects were great and the story is very engaging. Claire Danes has a very passable English accent, I was impressed. Not since The Princess Bride have I enjoyed a fantasy/fairy tale so much.

Team Rodent
Carl Hiaasen

Reading this just confirmed what I already thought, that if Disney ever did a movie about the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing, it would be autobiographical. At 83 pages, this is a quick and easy read, so you can make up your own mind about whether Disney is good or evil.

Teach With Your Heart - Lessons I learned from the Freedom Writers
Erin Gruwell

This memoir helped me understand the pieces that make up the Freedom Writers story, both in the film and in the book that inspired the film. I like details and specifics and I now know what was embelished, taken out of context and switched around to make a more dramatic story. She has been very very lucky. I do admire her work ethic, but she has had many advantages and lucky breaks along the way. It would be difficult to replicate her success without some of her amazing contacts. At first I thought Erin Gruwell was too idealistic, and copped out by leaving high school and going on to teach at the college level without trying to replicate her success. By reading her memoir I understand the choices she made a little better. She is simply too famous to teach in a regular high school. All the kids would be clamouring to be in her class, and, once there, would have an unfair advantage over others.

This is a great way to follow up with this story if you've read the collection of diaries and seen the movie Freedom Writers. This memoir explains many things that were left out and actually reads in the order of events that happened. The writing is a tad weak, and a bit soppy and self serving, but I was still left with the impression that this person was able to help so many and will continue to do so for the rest of her life.

The Nanny Diaries

Boo hoo! Nothing like the book! I didn't expect it to be, but it was still good anyway. The Alicia Keys character was pretty pointless, and she wasn't able to give it enough 'ooph' to make me care about her. Scarlett Johansson is a creat comic actor and pratfalls so well. Laura Linny was great as Mrs. X. An enjoyable couple of hours. Read the book!

Hairspray

Put a smile on my face and kept me bopping in my seat for over 2 hours! John Travolta and Amanda Bynes were highlights. It was fun to identify where in Toronto it was filmed, I'm pretty sure that was CALC high school at Broadview and Danforth. The music is stick in your head fantastic!

August 2007 Books and Movies

Fluke
Christopher Moore

Took a while to get into (I can see why Mike gave up on it halfway through) but then, wham, it turns into a classic Chris Moore gem. The stuff this guy comes up with. Whale ships? Whaley boys? Goo? What a great ride. Oh, and I learned a lot about cetacean biology too! Makes me want to go out and watch whales. A solid book.

Mostly Martha

Ok, so what I wrote about No Reservations, double and triple the praise for Mostly Martha which is the original German film that was remade. Absolutely brilliant! The simple nuanced acting, the location and the food preparation/presentation make it great to watch. I wish I had seen this first, because I wanted to be surprised by the plot, but it was still good.

The Simpsons - The Movie

Much funnier than I thought it would be! Sort of like watching an extended episode on the big screen, but I laughed quite a bit. It would have been just as good as a rental. No need to see it on the big screen. The nudie Bart skateboarding scene was hysterical.

No Reservations

Very cute. Not always a fan of rom coms but this one was better than most. I really like the little girl, Abigail Breslin, who was in Little Miss Sushine. I almost always enjoy Catherine Zeta Jones and have always loved, Patricia Clarkson, ever since I saw her as Ruth's sister in Six Feet Under. Laughed and even cried a litte, and that, for me, is always a sure sign of a good movie.

The Bourne Ultimatum

Very cool. Ties the story together nicely with a tonne of action. Matt Damon is great and it was nice to see Julia Stiles. I read that she was off the scene for a little while doing indies, producing and directing. It's helpful to see the other two movies in the to make sense of the plot. Go see it!

July 2007 Books and Movies

North Country

Wow, what a movie. Charlize Theron is amazing. My stomach curdled at the abuse and harrassment suffered by these women who were only trying to earn a living. They were increadibly strong to stay at the mine when no one would stand up for them. Woody Harrelson was somewhat of a weak link for me but Frances McDormand was spectacular. I've loved her ever since I saw Fargo. This film made me very glad that I am living in the present and can only hope that the emancipation of women moves ever forward.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
J.K. Rowlings

This book was all I could have asked for and more. J.K. Rowlings tied everything together, answered all my questions and brought in aspects from the other books. The ending was spectacular and I'm double crossing my fingers that she has left the door open for more. I think she has, but one never knows. I'm sad and happy at the same time because the book journey is over, but there are still two more movies to go. I was so glad that she made Snape a sympathetic character in the end, I really didn't want to hate him. The book droops a little in the middle but bounces back and steamrolls to the end after the appearance of the silver doe. I read it to the exclusion of all else, staying up through the night to finish. My first instinct was to pick it up and read it again. I think I'll go back to the begining and read from one to seven in order.

You Suck
Christopher Moore

Well it shouldn't have come as a surprise to me, after not loving Bloodsucking Fiends, that I wouldn't love You Suck. I know, I must be one of the few people on the planet who feels this way. It's not that I didn't like it, it was a good read, I just wasn't as into the characters. I much prefer the residents of Pine Cove to the San Fran crowd, I think. There were definitely some laugh out loud parts, I'd like to see a story centred around Abby Normal and her friend Lily, the girl who works for Charlie Asher in a Dirty Job. In fact, bring them up to Pine Cove, and throw in the Lust Lizard and the Stupidest Angel, now that would be funny!

Ratatouille

Absolutely one of the best movies I've seen this summer. In typical Pixar fashion, the words are for adults and the action is for kids. I'm not a huge fan of rats, but I found Remy cute. Loved Janeane Garofalo, as always. Great cooking and a Paris backdrop just topped it off. Go see it!

Blood Sucking Fiends
Christopher Moore

I knew it would happen eventually, that I would come across a Moore book that just didn't do it for me as much as the other. That being said, I still read it cover to cover in a matter of days. I think I just don't really like vampire lore too much. Although, reading this book made me realise that the mysterious woman buying up all the soul vessels in a Dirty Job was Jody. She and C. Thomas Flood are an odd couple but they really love each other. I'm starting to enjoy the Emperor a lot more. There were quite a few funny scenes, the turkey bowling made me laugh out loud! Looking forward to the sequel, You Suck, to see what happens next.

Harry Potter - The Order of the Phoenix

Loved, loved, loved this movie! It was all that I expected and more. I was a bit nervous about it because the book is so long, but the director really managed to convey all the important parts of the story in just over two hours. The additional casting was amazing, look for Helena Bohnam Carter to knock your socks off. They just got it so right. I will be seeing it again and again, and anxiously awaiting it's arrival on DVD. One of the best HP films so far.

The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove
Christopher Moore

Okay, I'm starting to sound like a broken record. I love this guy. This book was laugh out loud funny especially the weird, twisted encouters between Molly Michon and the Sea Beast. Where does he come up with this stuff? Again, love the fact that he uses the same characters from other novels, but especially the fact that you don't have to read them in order to understand the relationships. I first encoutered the characters from Pine Cove in The Stupidest Angel, but this book takes place before then. Great read, so funny and I was shocked at some of the things that made me laugh. I guess I'm a little twisted after all!

Sicko

Brilliant! I love Michael Moore films. I know he can be manipulative to the extreme sometimes, but to be honest, I enjoy the ride. I don't want to give to much away, but leads with some of the salient points from his previous films, profiles some of the better healthcare systems in the first world (of which Canada is one) and highlights a number of deficits in the American system. He uses a lot of humour to diffuse the tension, as always, but I found that I really laughed out loud at some parts.
Another great one from Mr. Moore.

The Odd Couple (1968)

I can't believe I have never seen this movie! So funny! I love Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau and have seen most of their later films. Grumpy Old Men is one of my favorites. The characters are perfect foils for one another and Neil Simon is a great playwright. I'm glad I turned on the TV by chance. Turner Movie Classics is a great channel, no commercials and really great movies.