Monday, December 31, 2007

December 2007 Books and Movies

He's Just Not That Into You - The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
Liz Tuccillo, Greg Behrendt

When I first heard the sentence uttered on Sex and the City, I thought: that makes sense. In book format with all possible scenarios, it makes even greater sense. Of course there are exceptions, but they are very few and far between. (That's why they call them exceptions...) Too many women (myself included) have thought they were with the guy who was the exception to the rule, but if there are so many of them, they're obviously not the exception. I do think about how much time I have wasted thinking about all the seemingly mixed messages I have received over the years. This book is especially good for break ups because even if you don't fully understand the reason, the fact that he is looking you in your beautiful face and telling you he doesn't need you in his life anymore is proof enough that he's just not that into you.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Not bad! I was shocked to see so many big big stars in this, Helen Mirren, Harvey Keitel, Ed Harris? The acting was pretty bad on purpose, but the special effects were cool, as was the storyline. Both Helen Mirren's and Diane Kruger's inconsistent American accents were very distracting. They should just hire Americans next time, it's not like there's a lack of people out there. I really liked the puzzle desks and the book of secrets itself. A good distraction but don't go expecting great cinema.

Lamb - The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
Christopher Moore

When I finished this book, my first thought was: what a great book. My second thought was: I'm so sad that this is my last Christopher Moore novel, I sure hope he writes a new one soon. This book is great because it takes a prolific story (religious or not, most people know who Jesus is) and gives a sometimes irreverent, sometimes bang on view of the first century A.D. life. It's well researched and also gives us insight into some other world religions, all of which have versions of the Golden Rule. It's not preachy, but forces one to look deep inside oneself when contemplating the book. Best of all, it's hilarious! I found his comments on the Tao particularly scintillating, especially since I have been doing a lot of thinking about the merits of this religion. This book is an excellent read, I can't say enough about it, go read it!

Walk Hard - The Dewey Cox Story

Pretty funny! The Johnny Cash, Elvis and Bob Dylan story all rolled into one. A bit crude and lewd at times but laugh out loud at some points. John C. Reilly was excellent. He really has a fantastic voice. A good movie if you want a distraction from reality.

The Judgment of Paris - The Revolutionary Decade That Gave the World Impressionism
Ross King

This book was behemoth, even though it only weighs in at about 370 pages. This took me months and months to read, mainly because of all the detailed notes King includes. I've never formally studied Art History and the subject is fascinating! I peripherally recognized some of the paintings included in the colour plates, but didn't know the details. It was really interesting to read about Manet and how he influenced and detracted from the Impressionist movement. Ross King is a great writer, blending fact and supposition into a tightly written narrative. Excellent, really glad I persevered.

Love Actually (DVD)

Really great film. Love the cast, the London setting, even the xmas timeframe, and I don't usually go for holiday films. Cried buckets, especially at the unrequited and wrong person love bits. Excellent, go see it!

I Think I Love My Wife (DVD)

This had very limited release in the theatres in Canada and for good reason. Some very funny lines, but over all, not a shred of sustainable dialogue. The end scene was one of the worst of all times. I remember watching the trailer and thinking it may be funny, but never actually went to see it. Ok to rent, but utimately, give it a miss.

The Golden Compass

This was pretty good...until the ending. What a let down! The story rolls along pretty quick and requires a lot of inferring skill. Not to mention that it is pretty violent, so I'm not sure how it is overly kid friendly. Daniel Craig did not get enough screen time to do justice to his gorgeousness. I suppose they are leading up to do the sequel, but it'll probably depend on the success of this one.


Very cute! Love Patrick Dempsey, he is gorgeous. It was neat to watch the flip between the animated world and the real world. Watch for the great musical number in the park. Amy Adams is absolutely fantastic as Giselle the fairytale princess. A very fun movie!

Last day of 2007

I don't often make New Year's resolutions, but I'm making one now that I will be trying very hard to keep. I will make note of the positive in my life and be thankful for it.

Today was very very difficult. There was a family gathering at my grandparents, and a picture was taken of all the grandchildren, including the new great grand baby. I was the only one alone. It's weird, before this relationship, I wouldn't have thought anything of it. But because I had brought my entire self to the relationship, and made my family a part of things, the absence made my heart break. I could barely keep it together and came home and cried and cried. I know there is no set time for these things, but I keep thinking, shouldn't it be getting better? Or is it just because it's New Year's or the holiday season? Why do I still ache with loneliness, why am I still blanketed in sadness, why am I filled with longing, but most of all why do I miss someone who deliberately cut me out of his life? It seems really twisted. There are definitely some design flaws in humans, because we should be able to recognise that it's not healthy to still want someone who doesn't want us. But it's not that way at all.

I'm going to try and have as ok of a New Year's as I can, but all I can hope for is to make it through without crying.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

1 month

Well I made it to one month. At the beginning of all this, I really didn't think I would make it to the next day, let alone the next week or the first month. I have good days and bad days, unfortunately more bad than good still. I miss the companionship and friendship. I miss being in a relationship, having a date for special functions and the closeness. I don't miss the battles of the core personality differences or the rigidity. I don't miss the frustrations, resentments and uncertainties. After reading the book "He's just not that into you" based on an episode of Sex and the City I paraphrased a few affirmations that are helping me see things more clearly.

The person you want to get back together with is the SAME person who looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your wonderful qualities, and told you he was no longer in need of your company.

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He SHOULD miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. The ONLY reason he can miss you is because he's CHOOSING, everyday, NOT to be with you.

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to SETTLE for much, much less - even a vague, pathetic facsimile of less - than you would have ever imagined. Keep your eye on the prize!

Of course, I don't believe these affirmations yet, but am hopeful that someday I will.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Today was difficult

From finding out that my dad had seen him at the museum, to him calling to wish me a nice family dinner and a Merry Xmas (likely because of seeing my dad at the museum), the day was filled with longing and sadness. Every young person in my family is coupled up except for me. Older members had high hopes for this year, because this was the year all the grandkids had partners. I was keenly reminded and acutely aware of how alone I was. I hope that it is just the day and that this heart numbing missing of him will pass or else I will drive myself crazy with my own thoughts and heartache.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Christmas Eve

It feels weird. It doesn't feel like the holidays at all. I've never been much for this time of year, but last year was the first time I really enjoyed myself. I was in the honeymoon stages of a great new relationship, forging new traditions that I was so looking forward to this year. It's downright depressing. Not to mention I can't stop thinking about if he even cares. If he is affected at all my absence at this time as I am by his. This is also brought on by telling my Italian grandparents yesterday that it was over. They were very disappointed (I'm the oldest grandchild and am now the only one without a relationship) but also don't want me to be unhappy. I tried really hard to be strong, but I cried a little. I'm just so disappointed in the way everything turned out. My grandmother said, "oh, he'll come back in two weeks", which is her way of dealing with the news. I don't know what was worse, telling them initially, or having to convince her afterwards that this wasn't temporary, when I'm still struggling with coming to terms with that fact myself. I hate writing it down, but I'm not looking forward to tomorrow at all. Even though everyone knows and will undoubtedly be sensitive to how I'm feeling, it will still be weird. Anyway we'll see how it goes.

Friday, December 21, 2007

The road to clairity and understanding isn't always so smooth...

Just got home from a nice end of school before the December holidays celebratory drink/dinner/coffee with a friend. Have I mentioned how grateful I am for my friends? Days are passing and with them feelings of being ok, being not ok, being really not ok and taking it one step at a time. Had my first EAP session on Tuesday, and have started the homework, mainly externalising my thoughts. I do tend to keep them bottled up inside, until they tumble round and round, making no sense at all and sending me into a useless thought cycle. Getting them out is helpful, although there are still some things I don't want to write down, for example, even though I know that acceptance is the road to healing, I still can't write the words, "it's over" and really and truly mean them.

On an unrelated note, got lots of nice prezzies from the kiddies today, quite a change from the dollar store items I received last year. It makes me wonder though, which is better, dollar store gifts from geniune people, or expensive gifts from alpha people. Hmmmm.

Looking forward to the time off, hopefully I'll be able to enjoy some of it. I know I won't be completely fine, but hope that the joy of the season will permeate somewhat.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Almost forgot what day it was...

until it hit me, today would have been 15 months. It's interesting because last month, which was 14 months, went by and I didn't notice for the first time. I guess I should have taken that as a warning sign. My friend said something pretty profound today. He said that I wouldn't have reacted to the birthday gifts the way in which I did if I wasn't feeling resentment for what I wasn't getting out of the relationship. Why is it so hard to admit that I had doubts while in the middle of it? Why is it so hard to admit that it's over? Between my job, my mom's illness and this, I'm not holding up well.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Not having a good day

Maybe it's the combination of a winter storm keeping me cooped up inside, attending my first holiday party alone, getting some more bad news about my mom's condition and just feeling overwhelmingly alone. I miss him so much. I feel like I'm faking it when I say that I'm moving on slowly, taking it one day at a time, keeping busy, bettering myself for that next great thing. I'm not. The real me, buried under deep layers of what I think other people expect me to be, is feeling that I've lost the love of my life and nothing will ever be the same again. I had an unbelievably strong urge to call him today, and although I know he wouldn't mind, especially in light of the situation with my mom, it's not a good idea. I'm going to go to my EAP counselor session and see what they have to say before I do anything like that. Today I am very sad. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Healing Prayer

A friend of mine is currently on her 4 over 5 and recently spent time in Iona, Scotland. She posted a Celtic prayer on her blog that I've slightly modified (changed O God to O spirit), as I'm not overly religious. It's very comforting to me at this time.

Circle me, O spirit.
Keep hope within,
Despair without.

Circle me, O spirit.
Keep peace within,
Keep turmoil out.

Circle me, O spirit.
Keep strength within,
Keep weakness out.

I have to believe that there is a plan for me, and that I have the strength to wait patiently for it to unfold.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Choir Concert

Today's performance of Bach's Oratorio went very well. It's not the most heavily scored for choir, so there was a lot of sitting around, but the orchestra is great, so there was lots of entertainment. My flute teacher was principal flute on this gig, so it was a treat to listen to her play. There's a beautiful alto/flute 8va duet and it was lovely. It was very hard to look out into the audience and know that he wasn't there, especially with the trumpets soaring in the background. In that moment I missed him so much it was excruciating. I just wish things would hurry up and play out the way they are supposed to so I can get on with my life.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

1st set back

I've got to get used to the idea that there will be good days and bad days. While watching a lighthearted romantic comedy, I started to cry (as I often do at these kinds of movies) and it turned into a full fledged bawl. I cried for a lot of things, love, loneliness, mistakes, good times, the past, the future, broken hearts and grief. I feel so drained and overwhelmed by these powerful feelings, it's like drowning. The dress rehearsal for the choir concert was so hard today. We are performing Bach's xmas oratorio, and it features three trumpets. I was so looking forward to looking out and seeing him in the audience, knowing that he was hearing spectacular trumpet music. And then, ironically enough, Paul (the musician who played the last post at my school's remembrance day assembly and went to Western as well) is playing third trumpet in the concert. I went up to say hi, and mentioned that we had a mutual aquaintance, and he told me a funny story. The feelings evoked by that little story were unbearable. It was exactly him, to the T. Afterwards, when I was some distance away, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I know everything is supposed to happen for a reason, but right now, I can't for the life of me think what that reason could be.

Friday, December 07, 2007

1 week down

Well I made it through the 1st week. I'm pretty proud of myself, because if you had asked me earlier in the week I wouldn't have been so sure. It's been tough, I've had good moments and not so good moments but that's to be expected. I have to take my second injection of Humira tonight and I'm a little worried to be doing it all on my own, but I have to get used to the fact that I am alone now. It's a pretty painful injection but it supposedly yields great results. I'll know for sure in another couple of months. I suffered my first attack of really engulfing loneliness tonight, brought on my thinking about my injection and about being alone on Xmas eve. I keep waiting for it to pass, but I think I may be riding this one out for a little longer. Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow in a better state of mind.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

I'm exhausted!

Haven't blogged in a couple of days because I've been so tired. Mental, physical, emotional and intellectual exhaustion, like I've never felt before. It's very true that you can wear yourself out, last night I slept like a rock, waking just before my alarm. I'm not looking forward to my final root canal installment tomorrow, but it'll be a welcome distraction. I'm learning a little more about myself everyday, learning to accept my role in everything that has happened but to also not blame myself entirely. It definitely takes two. Hopefully Grey's Anatomy will be a tear jerker for even more release.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Day 5

Oooooh, I'm mad. Mad, mad mad. Mad at the fact that I can't stop crying when I tell new people, mad that I still think getting back together is a good idea, mad that I can't shake the feelings of uncertainty about my future. I know I'm being too hard on myself, that this is a process that I must go though in order to come out the other side a better person, ready to love again. But I need details! How long, how much, who, what, where, when and how? The finality of it all rocks me to my very core. It's only Day 5 and I'm sick of this! Yet another thing I'm mad about. At the very least I'm in good company. Two of my friends are going through very recent break ups. Work is a nightmare, it's definitely the last place I want to be right now. I'm trying to keep the thinking and rehashing down to a minimum, only in my nightly blog. I'm hopeful that after a week of blogging everyday, I'll be able to do it bi-weekly or weekly. I do feel I've made a bit of progress, but get very frustrated when I slip back. I am absolutely exhausted though, so to that end, am off to bed.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Day 4

Today I woke up angry, I mean really angry. Punching the pillows angry. Thinking about the upcoming holiday season is what did it. All the parties and family gatherings, the pitying looks as people try to come up with something to say to me. "You're a great girl, there's something better around the corner", "It just wasn't meant to be", "time heals all wounds" or my personal favorite (heavy on the sarcasm here) "it's his loss". Then I went to school, which is already not my favorite place to be, and cried three times before the morning bell. Got through the morning and spent the next six hours feeling glib. Don't know where that emotion came from, perhaps I was just sick and tired of feeling sad, mad and hurt. Talked with a couple of friends after choir tonight and bantered some interesting thoughts around such as compartmentalisation and red flags that were missed. We also had a few unrelated laughs. I have good friends, for which I am so grateful. All this emotional upheaval is exhausting, so I'm off to bed.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Day 3

Here's a wise tip. Never go see a fairytale movie when your life is currently anything but a happy ending. It's not very helpful. Also, don't spend time with people who are in the flush of new love, it's hard to hold up. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for my sister, and think her new boyfriend is great. Unfortunately, that doesn't make things any easier. I've held back the tears 4 times today, and had 3 full on uncontrollable cries. Every time one of my friends offers help, I am so overwhelmed by their kind concern that it makes me lose it all over again. I am so grateful for their support. I told my mother today, which was very hard. She has been through a tough time herself, and is still struggling. I felt very guilty laying my problems on her, when she is fighting to stay on top of a life threatening illness. She knew right away that something was wrong, a mothers instinct. I waver between emotions faster than you can say the word, sadness, relief, loneliness, disbelief, anger, frustration and emptiness. There's physical pain too, my heart hurts and my stomach heaves. I've read dozens of online articles about the stages of grief and am trying to follow the advice, but it's very hard. I don't know which thoughts are rational and real and which are delusional and unrealistic. I can only hope for the best and try to take it day by day.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Day 2

I woke up this morning and was hit with an overwhelming feeling of disbelief. I thought for a minute that I was dreaming, but it is so very real. I hurt so much! I really didn't think it was possible to feel this much pain. I distract myself but it's only temporary, the pain comes flooding back at the most inopportune times. I'm prone to tears with very little provocation. My condo is a minefield of memories. I know I'm not the first person to go through this, and certainly won't be the last, but it feels so fresh and raw. I'm sure similar words have appeared on similar blogs, diaries, books, tv shows and movies. It's a universal truth told by the brokenhearted. Time is the master of healing, writing and crying are outlets. I hope to use my blog to heal, and to serve as a reminder of this process. I miss him so much, it feels like the path of least pain is get back together. Of course it would only make sense if it were mutual, and to that end I have no way of knowing how he is feeling. I also don't know if it would even be the right solution. I only know that I love him and he loves me, yet we are apart. This is the biggest test of letting go I have ever faced. It is the first step in managing my need for control over every little detail and most importantly, laying aside my insecurities. I don't know how to do this, how to cut myself off from my best friend, my lover, my confidante, my support, my partner. It's like cutting off my own limb. It feels like every word I write is like a cliche, something I have read or heard before. I can only hope my story has something new to say soon.