Great News!

I've just returned from a very positive rheumatologist's appointment where my doctors told me that I was pretty much in drug related remission! The only way to measure progress is through how you're feeling, and I know I've been feeling better for a while now, but it's great to hear it from a professional. They have given me liscense to play with my drug dosages a bit to try and reduce some of the more harmful ones, to lessen the side effects. The no drinking hasn't caused much of a problem, as I don't drink excessively normally, but being at an all inclusive resort and not being able to drink was really a shame! I'm hopeful that one day I'll be able to to achieve drug free remission. Fingers crossed!

Cuba

Having never been to the Caribbean before, let alone to an all inclusive resort, I had no idea what to expect when I took off for a 7 day, 7 night trip to Cayo Santa Maria on Cuba's north coast.

What a trip!

Pictures say more than words, so I'll let them do the talking.



The beach is on the Atlantic side so a smidge colder than the Caribbean side, but still amazing. I love salt water! Well, except when it gets in your eyes.

The resort was quite nice.


Our poco hacienda was called:



Each "bungalow" (that's what they called it) had 16 rooms on two floors.



The rooms were quite big.





The swim up bar was cool!



There were shows every night featuring really wonderful dancers. I was amazed at the sheer amount of talent giving it their all every night at a resort for tourists.



My favorite dancer was Roberto. He was gay as gay can be (a risky business in Cuba) but danced with such passion and integrity I was drawn in. I got to dance salsa with him at the club later, and he actually picked me up in a lift! That was a highlight of my trip for sure!

Roberto on the stage:





Roberto off the stage:





My trip to Havana was another absolute highlight.

I took a day trip by plane.



Varadero by air!



Old Havana









I was amazed at the amount of propaganda everywhere. There is no advertising in Cuba, the billboards laud state policy instead.







Che Guevera is a national hero, and figures heavily in the rampant propaganda.





Havana is an amazing city. It's so old and rich with architecture and historic places to visit.

Congress:





The National Theatre:



Revolution Square:



Castro's tank! (In front of the Museum of the Revolution...of course!)



The University:



Hemingway's Bar, the Floridita:





Me with the great man himself! :)



I'm looking forward to exploring some of the other great cities in Cuba. Santa Clara, which is where the remains of Che Guevera are buried, Trinidad, which is apparently a great example of baroque architecture, Cienfuegos, Holguin, they all sound fantastic.

There were cats everywhere at the resort, including some really cute kittens. Feeding them was not a good idea, because then they wouldn't leave you alone, but I took some pictures.









All in all, it was a good trip. I highly recommend staying all inclusive if your main goal is to relax. I found that one excursion was enough for the week.

Viva Cuba, Cuba Si!

3 Months

Almost forgot to post because of the shortened month - was waiting for the 30th when it dawned on me that it would never come! :)

Time is the Master.

That and taking one's life by the horns and deciding you are the boss. It's exhilarating, empowering and extremely exhausting (but in a good way) work and I'm pleased with my progress.

I can report that I am happy, healthy and thought not absolutely pain free, much, much better.

I'm looking forward to potentially stepping through an open door when the time is right.

February 2008 Books and Movies

Sexual Intelligence
Kim Cattrall

An ok book, made better by amazing pictures, artwork and inspirational quotes. In some parts it felt like the book was wholly excerpted from Kim Cattrall's documentary by the same title. It was a quick and easy read, but not completely satisfying. Hmmm, interesting analogy! :)

Jumper

It's really a shame, because this movie could have been so much more than it was. Woefully miscast (except for Samuel L. Jackson) and containing very little plot, it seemed the director was more interested in the special effects than anything else. The ending was frustrating because they are obviously leaving it open for a sequel. Loved the locals, very cool, especially the Valley of the KIngs.

Kiss of the Spider Woman
(Scarborough Musical Theatre)

Ok, this isn't technically a book or a movie, but I went to watch it, so it counts! My cousin was playing in the pit. I've never seen this musical before, it's pretty interesting. Set mainly in an Argentinian prison during the 70's dictatorship, it tells the story of two very different men who develop a unique bond in prison. The Spider Woman is Death, her kiss, the scythe. The songs are catchy in the moment, but not very memorable. I'm curious as to how the Broadway run was received. It was very long, but a nice evening, supporting the artistic pursuits of a dedicated group of amateur players.

Uganda Rising

An absolutely eye opening documentary about the plight of children in northern Uganda. To live in fear of being abducted to become a child soldier or a sex slave is a horror beyond imagining. I saw it as a professional development workshop in support of the Toronto Gulu Walk. Check it out at word that will be link! Not for the faint of heart, but the more people know about it, the more hope and help will come to those who suffer.

Atonement

Was slightly disappointed in this film. While the costumes, settings and historical accuracy were stellar, one the whole, it just tried to be too "arty". Weird shots that weren't tied to the film, minimal dialogue and a jarring trip to the present time disrupted the experience more than enhanced it. The beginning exposition dragged on and on and the ending was somewhat dissatisfying. I wouldn't say say give it a miss, as everyone has different tastes, but just be prepared for what you see.

Juno

Wow! This movie was freakin' fantastic! Laughed all the way through it. Quirky and fun, loved the one liners from everyone. It actually made me feel like I was glad I wasn't in high school anymore. Loved the boyfriend! This film had the cutest ending ever. It's an absolute must see.

The Golden Compass
Philip Pullman

Loved it! Even better than the movie, no surprise there! Can't wait to read the other two books in the trilogy. You just get sucked into the world that seems so like ours, but with strange differences that pull you back into this alternate universe. I did picture all the actors as the characters in the book (not that I mind picturing Daniel Craig ;) at all) which was a bit confusing. Why did they change Mrs. Coulter's hair colour from brown in the book to blonde in the movie? This series is right up there with the Narnia Chronicles. Great read!

A Good Weekend!

Friday night was a good opportunity to have some quiet time, something I desperately needed after the work week. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Saturday was spent going to the St. Lawrence Saturday market for my weekly fresh veg, going for regular groceries, doing a wonderful Hatha class at my Yoga studio, getting in some gym time and then attending a lovely choir and orchestra concert. I also really enjoyed time spent with a dear friend afterwards.

Sunday morning Vinyasa with Camille, my favorite Yoga instructor, a little more grocery shopping (strawberries, 3 for $5!) and a visit to the grandparents and mom (still in hospital) followed by the Oscars rounded out my weekend.

Happy Heart Day!

Well it's Valentine's Day again. And I'm single again. It's funny, two years ago I was single and non-plussed on Valentine's Day, last year I was in relationship and had a wonderful, thoughtful, romantic celebration on Valentine's Day. This year, I had a pretty good day at work, got some cute valentines and some chocolate and thought about how I feel about the day. I'm ok. I'm happy for those who have found the one that they love, and am glad I am working on my relationship with myself. Do I miss him? Absolutely. Am I sorry and sad? I'm happy to report no, as per my last post, that thing I mentioned has done what I had hoped and confirmed that I am on the right path.

A weight has been lifted

I did something tonight that will be very useful to me soon. Any way it plays out will be beneficial in some way. I feel a big sense of relief as thinking about when and how I would do it has been weighing on me quite heavily. Hopefully I will rest easy tonight now that it's done.

A fantastic arts weekend!

Rob Campbell Quartet

Rob Campbell - Guitar
Doug Watson - Sax
Mike Milligan - Bass
Greg Pilo - Drums

It's been a while since I went to the Rex, so decided to go on Saturday night to see whomever was playing the 9:30 show. Turned out to be these guys. I've only recently started to get into jazz guitar, and I'm loving it! What a great sound. I'm not generally big into alto sax (I prefer tenor) but Doug Watson was phenomenal. Rob Campbell is so laid back, everything except for his fingers that is. Great music and an enjoyable evening.

Habobo Toronto

This is a group of Toronto based teachers and musicians who all have been taught by Kwasi Dunyo at one time or another. I've worked with Kwasi in two different schools, both times it was a really great experience. Apparently the group has open nights once a month, so I think I'll go check it out. Another surprise was that one of the itinerants from school was a part of the group. I didn't expect to know anyone in the performance. It ended with an invitation to come up on stage and participate. A very inviting, engaging and inclusive experience.

The Burning Bush

Absolutely stellar! Hilarious, thought provoking, clever and fun. Tracey Erin Smith is a powerhouse. I highly recommend you try and see the show or its sequel at some point because I couldn't begin to describe it to you. I'll leave you with two interconnected thoughts from the show. Rabbinical school and a stripper's pole. See? Go see it!

Sisters of Sheynville

This was the group that performed with Tracey. Wonderful musicians especially the clarinetist who was absolutely incredible. Lovely harmonies and great jazz elements to this all female Yiddish sextet. They did a set on their own after the show, and it was a great ending to an arty weekend.

January 2008 Books and Movies

Cloverfield

Very weird. The hand held camera gave me vertigo and made me nauseous at first, but then it went away. I want to say it was clever, but in the end, it just tried too hard. The decapitated Statue of Liberty was cool, as was her big head in the middle of the street. The actors were relative nobodies, in an attempt to make it more "real", but who could be fooled when the plot involves CGI aliens and a destroyed Manhattan? I don't know why they tried to make it so believable. I'll give it a good jumpy factor, I definitely squirmed in my seat and elbowed my movie companion.

Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm
Kim Cattrall, Mark Levinson and Fritz Drury

This is Kim Cattrall's first book. I had heard that her books were quite good, so I decided to get them out of the library. This one is very well written, is illustrated (information line drawings, not photos) and is a straightforward, easy read. The book was written with her ex-husband, so one would presume she has had many more experiences since then. You need to take the introduction with a big grain of salt. The book also has a very 70's feel to it, which was a bit strange.

Being a Girl: Navigating the Ups and Downs of Teenage Life
Kim Cattrall, Amy Briamonte and Marf

Excellent! Must have for all young women. Touches on all the issues without being condescending and above all sending a positive message of good self esteem, respect and personal growth. Lots of pictures, cute cartoons and inspirational quotes round out the text. If you have a young girl or woman who is in need of either a complete directional shift or perhaps just needs a friendly reassurance that she is on the right path, you can't go wrong with this book.

The Bucket List

Wow! What a movie. Rob Reiner film, Morgan Freeman, laughter, tears, even Jack Nicholson was good, and I don't always like him. You need to be pretty comfortable with your own mortality to really enjoy this film, but once there, it's a great ride.

27 Dresses

Cute but not overly clever. I love Katherine Heigl on Grey's Anatomy and thought she was hilarious in Knocked Up. She was equally good here but unfortunately, not supported in any way, shape or form by her cast members. Awful actors in place as her sister, best friend and boss. Even her love interest was passable, although I have liked James Marsden in other things. The bridesmaid dresses montage was really fun. You'll definitely be in for a few laughs if you go see it.

Stardust
Neil Gaiman

As it happens most of the time, this book was way better than the movie. I was really disappointed with some of the changes they made, both with what the script writers left out and what they made much bigger than what it was. Robert DeNiro did not need that much screen time to portray such a minimal character. I'm glad I saw the movie first so I wasn't disappointed because I remember really enjoying the film. I couldn't put this book down, it was an great read from start to finish. Excellent!

Booky and the Secret Santa
(Made for TV)

I loved the Booky series when I was a child. It gave me all sorts of insight into what it must have been like to grow up in the dirty 30's. I felt sad for Booky and her family but admired her tenacious spirit and her family's love for each other even when times were tough. Unfortunately this made for TV movie didn't really do the books justice. The sets and costumes were amazing, and really gave you a sense of what Toronto was like back then. Megan Follows was great, but the rest of the cast were weak (especially the children), and the script poorly written. It seemed like a lot of story jammed into a two hour time slot. The producers would have been better off making a trilogy of the books, sticking closely to the original story. As it was, they attributed the charitable gift packages to Eaton's when it has always been the Star Santa Claus Fund that distributes those to the needy. It's unfortunately just another example of how books are often better than cinematic adaptations.

Little Family, Big Values
The Roloff Family with Tracy Sumner

I really like this television show, so I was expecting a bit more. The message is great, believe in yourself, follow your dreams, work hard, live with integrity, have faith and love your family. The medium, not so great. The writing is terrible. I don't know if they hired a hack ghost writer, or the family itself had so much control over the project, that they didn't allow any editorial input. I wonder if it is the latter, as Matt Roloff comes across on TV as pretty stubborn. It was a quick read, I'll give it that. Watch the show, it's much better.

2 months

If you'd have asked me two months ago if I would feel even marginally ok at this point, I would have laughed in your face. It really is true that every day brings a smidge more healing.

When I think about how I handled my last "break up", (in quotations because there wasn't really something there to break up from) I shake my head ruefully. I should say how I didn't handle it. I did everything wrong and paid for it dearly. I learned some good lessons from it, but it doesn't make doing the right things any easier on the heart.

Tonight, by chance, I ran into my first true love (who, of course, broke my heart into a million and one pieces), and in the midst of my current situation, it was very strange, like all my feelings were merged together. I didn't handle that break up very well either...hmm, sensing a pattern here. I shouldn't be too hard on myself though, I was very young at the time.

As for how I'm feeling right now, I've come to a few realisations that have really helped, made a few decisions about how to proceed and made renewed efforts to take things one day at a time.

I've missed Yoga!

Today I took my first Yoga class in a long while. Between busting my ankle and being diagnosed with RA, I simply haven't been able to do any. It was very nice. I went to a Yoga studio a couple of blocks from my place. Lovely, calm, serene environment. It was a gentle Hatha session, best to start off slow. I found I was able to do most of it, although my wrists hurt after a while. I found it really cleared my head. Although what it cleared is suddenly even more complicated than what I have already been processing. I am so confused! I just don't know what to do or what will happen in the future. I feel like I am being pulled in two directions, by my past and by my future. I can only be present, be aware and take the days one at a time.

Taking stock

This would be the time when, if I had made any resolutions in January of 2007, I would check to see if I had stuck to any of them. Since I didn't make any, I'll just take stock of my life as it is today, January 12th, 2008.

Health

Pretty good. The Humira is working wonders, I can do things I haven't been able to do in a year, such as lifting weights and wrist supporting yoga stances. Youpppie! I still have slight tenderness in my wrists, especially when I do an out of the ordinary repetitive hand movement like playing the same musical line over and over again on the piano for my students.

Job

Ummmm, better now that I've decided to not sweat the small stuff. I'm frustrated that I am not able to effect more change, but I have to let it go, or else I'm going to drive myself bonkers. Pretty dissatisfied and looking forward to the postings in April.

Relationships

I'm developing a better one with myself, which is very positive. In the nearly six weeks since the break up, I am amazed with the difference I see in myself. It's like it was a bonk on the head kind of wake up call that I needed to really address the things within myself that I want to improve.

I'm very grateful for the support I've received from friends and family. I don't know how I would get through this tough time without them.

Home

Still need to paint and do the floors, but that's just not a financial priority at the moment. Hopefully I'll be able to do it soon.

So there you have it. New year, new start, new lilies on the plant that was one of my teacher xmas gifts. Hopefully it's a good sign.

The eve before school starts again...

I welcome the change from being on my own dealing with the break up and all that entails, but I still don't want to go back. The school is just not a good place to be and is absolutely stunting my personal growth. I've decided to deal with it by doing my job, interacting as little as possible with the toxic elements and concentrating on my self improvement. Hopefully that will help to get me through the rest of this year.

First day of 2008

I'm not usually one for resolutions, as I don't believe in setting oneself up for failure, but I thought it couldn't hurt considering all that is going on in my life.

1. Live for today and tomorrow, not in the past

2. Think positively and you will attract positive things

3. Find your centre everyday

It is my sincere hope that I can believe absolutely that better things are yet to come, without self pity, self doubt or false hope.

This is my dearest wish for the New Year. Here's to 2008!

December 2007 Books and Movies

He's Just Not That Into You - The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
Liz Tuccillo, Greg Behrendt

When I first heard the sentence uttered on Sex and the City, I thought: that makes sense. In book format with all possible scenarios, it makes even greater sense. Of course there are exceptions, but they are very few and far between. (That's why they call them exceptions...) Too many women (myself included) have thought they were with the guy who was the exception to the rule, but if there are so many of them, they're obviously not the exception. I do think about how much time I have wasted thinking about all the seemingly mixed messages I have received over the years. This book is especially good for break ups because even if you don't fully understand the reason, the fact that he is looking you in your beautiful face and telling you he doesn't need you in his life anymore is proof enough that he's just not that into you.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets

Not bad! I was shocked to see so many big big stars in this, Helen Mirren, Harvey Keitel, Ed Harris? The acting was pretty bad on purpose, but the special effects were cool, as was the storyline. Both Helen Mirren's and Diane Kruger's inconsistent American accents were very distracting. They should just hire Americans next time, it's not like there's a lack of people out there. I really liked the puzzle desks and the book of secrets itself. A good distraction but don't go expecting great cinema.

Lamb - The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal
Christopher Moore

When I finished this book, my first thought was: what a great book. My second thought was: I'm so sad that this is my last Christopher Moore novel, I sure hope he writes a new one soon. This book is great because it takes a prolific story (religious or not, most people know who Jesus is) and gives a sometimes irreverent, sometimes bang on view of the first century A.D. life. It's well researched and also gives us insight into some other world religions, all of which have versions of the Golden Rule. It's not preachy, but forces one to look deep inside oneself when contemplating the book. Best of all, it's hilarious! I found his comments on the Tao particularly scintillating, especially since I have been doing a lot of thinking about the merits of this religion. This book is an excellent read, I can't say enough about it, go read it!

Walk Hard - The Dewey Cox Story

Pretty funny! The Johnny Cash, Elvis and Bob Dylan story all rolled into one. A bit crude and lewd at times but laugh out loud at some points. John C. Reilly was excellent. He really has a fantastic voice. A good movie if you want a distraction from reality.

The Judgment of Paris - The Revolutionary Decade That Gave the World Impressionism
Ross King

This book was behemoth, even though it only weighs in at about 370 pages. This took me months and months to read, mainly because of all the detailed notes King includes. I've never formally studied Art History and the subject is fascinating! I peripherally recognized some of the paintings included in the colour plates, but didn't know the details. It was really interesting to read about Manet and how he influenced and detracted from the Impressionist movement. Ross King is a great writer, blending fact and supposition into a tightly written narrative. Excellent, really glad I persevered.

Love Actually (DVD)

Really great film. Love the cast, the London setting, even the xmas timeframe, and I don't usually go for holiday films. Cried buckets, especially at the unrequited and wrong person love bits. Excellent, go see it!

I Think I Love My Wife (DVD)

This had very limited release in the theatres in Canada and for good reason. Some very funny lines, but over all, not a shred of sustainable dialogue. The end scene was one of the worst of all times. I remember watching the trailer and thinking it may be funny, but never actually went to see it. Ok to rent, but utimately, give it a miss.

The Golden Compass

This was pretty good...until the ending. What a let down! The story rolls along pretty quick and requires a lot of inferring skill. Not to mention that it is pretty violent, so I'm not sure how it is overly kid friendly. Daniel Craig did not get enough screen time to do justice to his gorgeousness. I suppose they are leading up to do the sequel, but it'll probably depend on the success of this one.

Enchanted

Very cute! Love Patrick Dempsey, he is gorgeous. It was neat to watch the flip between the animated world and the real world. Watch for the great musical number in the park. Amy Adams is absolutely fantastic as Giselle the fairytale princess. A very fun movie!

Last day of 2007

I don't often make New Year's resolutions, but I'm making one now that I will be trying very hard to keep. I will make note of the positive in my life and be thankful for it.

Today was very very difficult. There was a family gathering at my grandparents, and a picture was taken of all the grandchildren, including the new great grand baby. I was the only one alone. It's weird, before this relationship, I wouldn't have thought anything of it. But because I had brought my entire self to the relationship, and made my family a part of things, the absence made my heart break. I could barely keep it together and came home and cried and cried. I know there is no set time for these things, but I keep thinking, shouldn't it be getting better? Or is it just because it's New Year's or the holiday season? Why do I still ache with loneliness, why am I still blanketed in sadness, why am I filled with longing, but most of all why do I miss someone who deliberately cut me out of his life? It seems really twisted. There are definitely some design flaws in humans, because we should be able to recognise that it's not healthy to still want someone who doesn't want us. But it's not that way at all.

I'm going to try and have as ok of a New Year's as I can, but all I can hope for is to make it through without crying.

1 month

Well I made it to one month. At the beginning of all this, I really didn't think I would make it to the next day, let alone the next week or the first month. I have good days and bad days, unfortunately more bad than good still. I miss the companionship and friendship. I miss being in a relationship, having a date for special functions and the closeness. I don't miss the battles of the core personality differences or the rigidity. I don't miss the frustrations, resentments and uncertainties. After reading the book "He's just not that into you" based on an episode of Sex and the City I paraphrased a few affirmations that are helping me see things more clearly.

The person you want to get back together with is the SAME person who looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your wonderful qualities, and told you he was no longer in need of your company.

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He SHOULD miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. The ONLY reason he can miss you is because he's CHOOSING, everyday, NOT to be with you.

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to SETTLE for much, much less - even a vague, pathetic facsimile of less - than you would have ever imagined. Keep your eye on the prize!

Of course, I don't believe these affirmations yet, but am hopeful that someday I will.

Today was difficult

From finding out that my dad had seen him at the museum, to him calling to wish me a nice family dinner and a Merry Xmas (likely because of seeing my dad at the museum), the day was filled with longing and sadness. Every young person in my family is coupled up except for me. Older members had high hopes for this year, because this was the year all the grandkids had partners. I was keenly reminded and acutely aware of how alone I was. I hope that it is just the day and that this heart numbing missing of him will pass or else I will drive myself crazy with my own thoughts and heartache.

Christmas Eve

It feels weird. It doesn't feel like the holidays at all. I've never been much for this time of year, but last year was the first time I really enjoyed myself. I was in the honeymoon stages of a great new relationship, forging new traditions that I was so looking forward to this year. It's downright depressing. Not to mention I can't stop thinking about if he even cares. If he is affected at all my absence at this time as I am by his. This is also brought on by telling my Italian grandparents yesterday that it was over. They were very disappointed (I'm the oldest grandchild and am now the only one without a relationship) but also don't want me to be unhappy. I tried really hard to be strong, but I cried a little. I'm just so disappointed in the way everything turned out. My grandmother said, "oh, he'll come back in two weeks", which is her way of dealing with the news. I don't know what was worse, telling them initially, or having to convince her afterwards that this wasn't temporary, when I'm still struggling with coming to terms with that fact myself. I hate writing it down, but I'm not looking forward to tomorrow at all. Even though everyone knows and will undoubtedly be sensitive to how I'm feeling, it will still be weird. Anyway we'll see how it goes.

The road to clairity and understanding isn't always so smooth...

Just got home from a nice end of school before the December holidays celebratory drink/dinner/coffee with a friend. Have I mentioned how grateful I am for my friends? Days are passing and with them feelings of being ok, being not ok, being really not ok and taking it one step at a time. Had my first EAP session on Tuesday, and have started the homework, mainly externalising my thoughts. I do tend to keep them bottled up inside, until they tumble round and round, making no sense at all and sending me into a useless thought cycle. Getting them out is helpful, although there are still some things I don't want to write down, for example, even though I know that acceptance is the road to healing, I still can't write the words, "it's over" and really and truly mean them.

On an unrelated note, got lots of nice prezzies from the kiddies today, quite a change from the dollar store items I received last year. It makes me wonder though, which is better, dollar store gifts from geniune people, or expensive gifts from alpha people. Hmmmm.

Looking forward to the time off, hopefully I'll be able to enjoy some of it. I know I won't be completely fine, but hope that the joy of the season will permeate somewhat.