Sunday, December 02, 2007

Day 3

Here's a wise tip. Never go see a fairytale movie when your life is currently anything but a happy ending. It's not very helpful. Also, don't spend time with people who are in the flush of new love, it's hard to hold up. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for my sister, and think her new boyfriend is great. Unfortunately, that doesn't make things any easier. I've held back the tears 4 times today, and had 3 full on uncontrollable cries. Every time one of my friends offers help, I am so overwhelmed by their kind concern that it makes me lose it all over again. I am so grateful for their support. I told my mother today, which was very hard. She has been through a tough time herself, and is still struggling. I felt very guilty laying my problems on her, when she is fighting to stay on top of a life threatening illness. She knew right away that something was wrong, a mothers instinct. I waver between emotions faster than you can say the word, sadness, relief, loneliness, disbelief, anger, frustration and emptiness. There's physical pain too, my heart hurts and my stomach heaves. I've read dozens of online articles about the stages of grief and am trying to follow the advice, but it's very hard. I don't know which thoughts are rational and real and which are delusional and unrealistic. I can only hope for the best and try to take it day by day.

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