Saturday, December 01, 2007
I woke up this morning and was hit with an overwhelming feeling of disbelief. I thought for a minute that I was dreaming, but it is so very real. I hurt so much! I really didn't think it was possible to feel this much pain. I distract myself but it's only temporary, the pain comes flooding back at the most inopportune times. I'm prone to tears with very little provocation. My condo is a minefield of memories. I know I'm not the first person to go through this, and certainly won't be the last, but it feels so fresh and raw. I'm sure similar words have appeared on similar blogs, diaries, books, tv shows and movies. It's a universal truth told by the brokenhearted. Time is the master of healing, writing and crying are outlets. I hope to use my blog to heal, and to serve as a reminder of this process. I miss him so much, it feels like the path of least pain is get back together. Of course it would only make sense if it were mutual, and to that end I have no way of knowing how he is feeling. I also don't know if it would even be the right solution. I only know that I love him and he loves me, yet we are apart. This is the biggest test of letting go I have ever faced. It is the first step in managing my need for control over every little detail and most importantly, laying aside my insecurities. I don't know how to do this, how to cut myself off from my best friend, my lover, my confidante, my support, my partner. It's like cutting off my own limb. It feels like every word I write is like a cliche, something I have read or heard before. I can only hope my story has something new to say soon.