Monday, December 31, 2007

Last day of 2007

I don't often make New Year's resolutions, but I'm making one now that I will be trying very hard to keep. I will make note of the positive in my life and be thankful for it.

Today was very very difficult. There was a family gathering at my grandparents, and a picture was taken of all the grandchildren, including the new great grand baby. I was the only one alone. It's weird, before this relationship, I wouldn't have thought anything of it. But because I had brought my entire self to the relationship, and made my family a part of things, the absence made my heart break. I could barely keep it together and came home and cried and cried. I know there is no set time for these things, but I keep thinking, shouldn't it be getting better? Or is it just because it's New Year's or the holiday season? Why do I still ache with loneliness, why am I still blanketed in sadness, why am I filled with longing, but most of all why do I miss someone who deliberately cut me out of his life? It seems really twisted. There are definitely some design flaws in humans, because we should be able to recognise that it's not healthy to still want someone who doesn't want us. But it's not that way at all.

I'm going to try and have as ok of a New Year's as I can, but all I can hope for is to make it through without crying.

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